Great British Public Has Cunning Plan

The public may have gone back to swing in its favourite tyre

After three days of intense brain exercising, the British public has come up with a cunning plan which, it confidently predicts, will put an end to criminality for ever.

The plan is understood to centre around withdrawing all benefits from anyone found in a public place wearing a hood or a black skin, and will dissuade such outlaws from committing opportunistic theft to enhance their material wealth by forcing them to spend their every waking hour committing essential theft simply to stay alive.

The public are understood to have subsequently gone off somewhere to lie down.

Newsnight’s Gavin Esler welcomed the foolproof formula for national survival by pointing his twisted hole at a young black man and ridiculing him in the name of public entertainment, while colleague Fiona Armstrong stretched Darcus Howe on a rack until he confessed to being a lifelong black.