Cameron Vows To Work Harder At Doing Nothing About Soaring Energy Bills

Ahead of a meeting with the six main energy suppliers, prime minister David Cameron promised that the government would work harder and faster to do absolutely nothing at all about the extravagant profiteering which is crippling UK households.

In a folded joint statement in which every third word was written by LibDem energy secretary Chris Huhne without knowing what Mr Cameron had just written, he assured the hard-hit public: "These price /Jesus /rises couldn't /Christ /come at /what /a worse /are /time for /we /consumers who /going /are already /to /feeling the /do /pinch from /about /rising petrol /these /prices and /thieving /the cost /corporate /of the /bastards? /weekly shop."

Thanks, Mr Huhne - we'd never have spotted the difference

As the meeting progressed, the energy companies were pleasantly surprised to find that Mr Huhne’s mouth had been superglued shut by the prime minister, sparing them from having to invent spurious justifications for vast price hikes which have seen their profits rocketing from £15 per victim to an eye-watering £125 in just three months.

As the prime minister examined his fingernails and admired his own reflection in the immaculately-polished table, ecstatic bosses from the ‘big six’ passed a pleasant half hour helping themselves to the drinks cabinet and comparing photographs of their luxury cabin cruisers and corporate hospitality suites before telling their groaning customers the usual twaddle about switching from one greedy, overcharging supplier to another and insulating their already-insulated homes.

"The companies are not the Salvation Army,” explained Mr Huhne helpfully, once he had managed to prise his burning lips apart.