Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Manky Viking Detritus Causes Accident In Tony Robinson’s Underpants

Probably used in some sort of ritual
A set of undergarments which once belonged to Britain’s foremost archaeologist, TV’s Tony Robinson, are now in the hands of expert conservators who hope to eventually restore them to how they may well have looked moments before he heard about the discovery of the nation’s first intact Viking burial.

The previously undisturbed grave at Ardlawurthat in the West Highlands – which excavators, inevitably, say is “high status” – contains such priceless artefacts as a manky clod of rusty soil which might once have been an axe head; two manky clods of rusty soil which, when put next to each other in a certain way, could conceivably resemble the rusty remains of a sword; and a bent, sharp bronze thing, which was reliably described as “incredibly beautiful”.

“Oo ahh, this burial moight well of ‘appened over 1,000 year ago,” explained Mr Robinson’s esteemed Time Team colleague, Dr Phil Harding. “Well, ‘less o’ course there be a load o’ Voykens secretly rampagin’ roun’ Scotland in a minibus. Where’s moy beer?”

Professor Mick Aston, however, was far more interested in Tony Robinson’s soiled undercrackers, which he unearthed whilst excavating the contents of an early 21st-century laundry basket. “If yow look carefully at the elastic there are clear soyns of stretching, which soogests that whoever last wore thayse oonderpants moost have been in quoite a hoory to remowve them,” he enthused, his hair waving in excitement. “What moyt thayse stoyns on the froont bay? Oy can’t woyt to hear the lab report, Tonay.”

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