One In Three 11-Year-Olds Can’t Read The Long Word At The End Of This Sentence

Welcome to 21st century Britain

A third of Britain’s 11-year-olds have trouble with grunting noises of two syllables or more – like ‘Britain’ – according to disturbing SATs results published today by the government.

“The good news is that pushy middle-class parents have made their children pull their socks up, so results at the top of the spectrum are pretty good,” said schools minister Nick Glibb smugly. “Unfortunately, the young of Britain’s ever-growing underclass continue to develop a marked preference for eating their crayons rather than answering the test with them. We’ve experimented with giving them pencils but, regrettably, these things just use them to torture the weakest member of their class.”

“These SATs figures should not cause alarm to anybody,” he stressed. “If you’re the kind of parent who gives a flying fuck about your child’s prospects, your child passed. If, on the other hand, your hellspawn has turned out to be some sort of illiterate baboon creature - well, even if you can read their results, you’re probably over the moon that they’re upholding a proud family tradition, aren’t you?”