Britain Astonished As Businessman Recommends Selling Royal Mail To Businessmen

That cat can go, for starters. You're paying the vet's bills

A businessman asked by the government to examine future options for the Royal Mail has astounded everybody by concluding that the only possible course of action is to sell it to the business sector.

“Make no mistake, the situation is desperate,” said Richard Hooper, a former deputy director of Ofcom until the private sector opened its cheque book. “Royal Mail’s £10bn deficit is now even more unsustainable, whatever that might mean. The only possible way to save Britain’s postal services is by handing them over at a knockdown price to some philanthropic businessmen – by which I mean people like me, in fact very much like me – so they can throw money at it, which is of course what I, er, they want to do more than anything else in the whole world.”

“What is sorely needed is a massive capital injection,” he went on, “For the uninitiated, that means handing the entire operation over to some chaps in suits for absolute peanuts, so they can promptly sell it on to one of the big courier firms like DHL or FedEx for about fifty times what they paid for it. Then they can shut the damned thing down and be done with it. Good riddance to bad rubbish.”

A life-sized cardboard cut-out of business secretary Vince Cable announced that privatisation of the Royal Mail would bring immediate and lasting benefits to the long-suffering public, just like the privatisation of British Gas, BT and the electricity and water companies had.

Meanwhile, a part-time cleaner who claimed she heard muffled cries coming from a cupboard marked ‘Do not disturb’ in Mr Cable’s office has suddenly realised she must have imagined it, after receiving an unexpected promotion to head of services.