Willetts To Allow Universities To Enslave UK Students

Emma has a 2:2 in Media Studies and is also damned handy with an iron, sir

David Willetts, the universities minister with two brains but no heart, today told delighted vice-chancellors that, in future, they would be able to enslave their English graduates and sell them as servants to international students.

“Graduates are already effectively signing their lives away to a mountain of debt they’ll never clear from the minimum wage the supermarkets pay them to stack shelves,” smiled Mr Willetts. “So I don’t see why you shouldn’t just double the fees overnight, have the students sign their worthless lives over to you in perpetuity, then jaunt off on another ‘partnership’ jolly to extol the virtues of a British university degree with servants thrown in free to the governments of the Far East - ideally, of course, somewhere with lovely beaches.”

A spokesman for the NUS said, “Naturally we are horrified at the government’s plans to increase the onerous and discriminatory tuition fees we kept mysteriously quiet about back in 1997, which our lord and master Tony cheerfully slapped on us before he’d even had time to sit down, after we’d busted our balls getting students to vote Labour.”