Kicking The Poor, Says Osborne – It’s What Dave’s Dad Would Have Wanted, Bless Him

You're paying their housing benefit, and they've all got bad backs

Chancellor George Osborne today unveiled new plans to kick the poorest even harder, in honour of prime minister David Cameron’s recently-departed millionaire father.

Announcing the hacking of an extra £4bn off a welfare budget already slashed by £11bn, Mr Osborne told cheering newspaper reporters: “Thanks to the loving wealth and bullying of his parents, Ian Cameron overcame disability to become as hugely rich as the rest of his family, enjoying a long career of gambling with little people’s livelihoods on the stock market. He died as he lived - on a fantastic holiday in the sun, paid for on the back of other people’s hard work. I can think of no greater tribute to pay to this colossus of financial speculation than to encourage today’s disabled to follow his example, by kicking away the crutch of a welfare state.”

“I urge you to go back to your news desks and make up some more fantastic fibs about huge families of fat-cat benefit claimants living in council palaces,” he urged, pausing briefly while Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre experienced a screaming orgasm at the back of the briefing room. “Why not something about a man who claims to have no legs being seen running a marathon, or some bastard in a coma flying their Learjet to Monaco for a weekly flutter?”

“See Andy Coulson for details,” he added. “He’s a bit under-employed right now, while David’s away talking about how best to dodge inheritance tax with his accountant.”