Sacked Stig Threatens To Reveal True Identity of Jeremy Clarkson

Who - or indeed what - is really behind this two-dimensional caricature?

Following Jeremy Clarkson’s announcement that Ben Collins - who revealed himself as the Stig - has been sacked from BMW-fancying arseholes’ favourite, Top Gear, the driver is now threatening to reveal the real identity of the person who plays the nation’s favourite narrow-minded gobshite.

“To millions of people, for years this larger-than-life character has been known simply as ‘Jeremy Clarkson’,” said the third-rate racing driver as he queued at the Jobcentre. “But who is he in real life? I know the secret, because I’ve been round his place for drinks. The bullying prick insisted I kept my sodding crash helmet on and made me drink through a straw. What an arse.”

“No, it’s not Enoch Powell, even if his disappearance from public life did coincide with that bubble-permed bastard’s rise from obscurity,” he hinted. “And it’s not Martin Bormann, Hitler’s missing Minister of the Nazi Party – he’d be 110. But you’re getting warm.”

“No, it’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger either,” he snapped. “If you’re just going to pander to his Zeppelin-swallowing ego, I’m not playing any more.”