Eight Tell-Tale Signs That Your MP Is a Screaming Arse Bandit

William Hague dismissing rumours

1. Has no children. Real men only got to wave their tackle at the opposite sex, and hey presto! Another bun in the oven.
2. Cuts down on taxpayer-funded expenses by sharing hotel room. Don’t matter what you say, two blokes left alone in a room with twin beds for five minutes will inevitably start comparing the size of their todgers. Within seconds, hands inevitably start to stray and before you know it, they’re up each other.
3. The internet says so. Everything you read on the internet is God’s own unadulterated truth - unlike the papers, which are all nobbled by the secret bum boy cabal what runs everything in this once-great country.
4. The Daily Express says so. You can rely on everything the Daily Express prints, unlike all that unsubstantiated twaddle on the internet. That Richard Desmond’s harder than Grant Mitchell, and you wouldn’t call Grant Mitchell a poofter, would you? Well, would you? Course not.
5. Married to attractive wife. The oldest trick in the book for MPs what are secret shirtlifters is to marry a fit bird. Any MP whose wife is better-looking than Ann Widdecombe is out cruising for rent boys every night on Hampstead Heath. Stands to reason.
6. A bit of a baldy. You know, like that wossname out of Right Said Fred. He's got to be gay, I don't care what anyone says. You could tell just by looking.
7. Talks posh (or tries to). All posh blokes are bent as a nine bob note, just like them pair out of Brideshead Revisited. It’s a well-known fact.
8. Issues deeply moving and personal denial. The only valid response to the question, “You a knob jockey then, or what?” is to immediately punch the questioner’s fucking lights out. Not gab about how bloody upset you are, like some wailing pansy.

Reasons Why It Matters To You Or Anyone Else If He Is

1. Er…