Fights Now 13% More Fuel-Efficient

Just another press conference

British punches are now being thrown on less alcohol than at any time since 1948, according to the British Beer and Fight Association. Drinkers are now consuming 13% less alcohol than in 2004, according to official statistics, before taking a swipe at the nearest bystander.

“Thish may in part reflect that the meshage about reshponsible drinking ish - hic - getting through to the public,” said spokesman Neil Williams, expertly ducking a fist swung more in hope than expectation by a tanked-up reporter from the Sun. “Well, we can dream. But it’sh probably jusht that people are now so skint that even the sacroshanct beer budget ish taking a hit.”

Mr Williams then took a hit himself, from a bottle hurled from the back of the room by roaring BBC business editor Robert Peston.

A government spokesman covered in his own vomit then entered the fight, kicking the prostrate Mr Williams in the head and screaming incoherently about the loss in tax revenue caused by irresponsible people drinking less.

Later, in a nearby Accident & Emergency unit, Dr Stuart Flanagan pointed out that the figures should be seen in the context of alcohol consumption rising steadily for sixty years. He was promptly felled by a headbutt from Mr Williams, who declared himself “groggy, but still up for a ruck.”