Cameron ‘Goddamned Angry’ Over EU Reluctance To Admit Turkey

A mere week after visiting the United States, British PM and respected world statesman David Cameron has hit out at EU delays in processing Turkey’s application to join, declaring: “I’m here to constructionalize the case for Turkey’s freakin’ membership of your piss-ant EU. And to kick ass for it.”

Reading from his notes on a sheet of 10” x 8” paper, Mr Cameron went on to tell his fellow European leaders: “Okay, so they slam journalists in jail for criticalisin’ the administration. Okay, so they’re winnin’ the hearts and minds of their Kurdish ethnics with shock and awe. Okay, so they illegalize any political party their generals don’t take a shine to. Blah, blah, blah. Well, boo friggin’ hoo.”

“On the additive side, hell do they hate commies,” he went on. “As paid-up members of NATO, those red-hatin’ bastards done given us read our trusty US allies carte blanche to set up airbases and listening posts anywhere we read they friggin’ well please. And they’re about the only muthafuckin’ Ay-rabs who don’t figger on exterminatin’ our Israeli buddies, note check status and delete if necessary.”

Mr Cameron dismissed claims that he was merely expressing the United States’ desire for an extra voting hand with which to interfere in Europe’s internal affairs, scoffing: “Get outa here! If these words don’t sum up 110% the feelings of the British people, well, you can call me whitey.”

As soon as he has finished explaining Britain’s completely independent vision for Europe, Mr Cameron is due to fly to India - where he will add Britain to the sub-continent’s countless throng of destitute beggars.