Well-Funded Atheist Organisations Invited To Run Schools

Evangelical atheists swimming in cash could set up their own rationalist schools to counter the flood of applications from mumbo-jumbo fundamentalists, suggested education secretary Michael Gove, 13, who has just finished writing a thousand lines of ‘i must lern to COUNT’.

“One of the most striking things my housemaster read to me recently in assembly was a thought from this funny Dawkins chap that he might want to take advantage of our education legislation to open a new school, which was set up on an explicitly atheist basis,” said Gove, as he began polishing the prefects’ shoes.

“So far we’ve had over 11,000 letters of interest from – coo ur gosh, let me see – Amish, Anglican, Animist, Bahá'í, Baptist, Cargo Cult, Christian Scientist, Greek Catholic, Hasidic, Hindu, Hizb-ut-Tahrir, Jedi, Jehovah’s Witness, Justified Ancient, Kabbalah, Kiddie Fiddler, Methodist, Moonie, Mormon, Nestorian, Nichiren Buddhist, Odin Fellowship, Pixie, Plymouth Brethren, al-Qaeda, Rasta, Russian Orthodox, Satanic, Scignhereologist, Sephardic, Shamanic, Shia, Sikh, Spiritualist, Starry Wisdom, Sumerian, Sunni, Theosophist, Tooth Fairy, United Reformed, Voodoo, Wahhibi, Wee Free, Wishy-Washy Stoner Nonsense and Zoroastrian churches,” he said brightly, “So if some well-organised atheist churches want to put a few thousand bids into the usual sealed envelopes, the more the merrier say I.”

“I mean crikey, I’ve got schools coming out of my ears,” frowned the little minister. “And if I don’t get shot of them all by September, Cameron the head boy who have a face like a squished tomato swore he’d use my head to clean the House of Lords toilets chiz chiz chiz.”