BBC Announces Success In Cloning Experiment

The BBC today proudly took the wraps off the world’s first cloned human being, which will take the place of orange grinning clothes-horse Christine Bleakley on the One Show as soon as it has been programmed to talk.

“Our earlier experiments to create a new Adrian Chiles from skin samples went horribly wrong,” admitted a mad BBC scientist. “The result was a revolting blob of human fat that burbled nonsense with a pronounced regional accent. So far, so good - but unfortunately it had the wrong consistency and seeped into the sofa. So we had to hire Jason Manford instead. He doesn’t seep nearly as much.”

“Fortunately, the scraping we took from Christine Bleakley’s arse has been grown into an almost exact copy,” he explained. “We haven’t got the orange hue quite right, but make-up are confident they can fix that on the night with a few gallons of Tango.”

“So far it’s only managed to utter gibberish, or Welsh as it’s sometimes known,” he confessed. “But the producers assure me that shouldn’t be a problem to One Show viewers, as they’re incapable of understanding anything much anyway.”