Lower middle class people of both sexes who are merely overweight should be jocularly congratulated on their pregnancy before being handed a patronising list telling them CAKE = BAD and SALAD = GOOD, suggested the parchment-skinned minister - insisting that she was not speaking as a government minister with overall responsibility for the nation’s health, as one might reasonably expect from her job title, but in a purely personal capacity as a sanctimonious old witch in desperate need of a firm slap.
“If I look in a mirror and think I am obese, I think I am less worried than if I think I am fat – although in real life, whenever I pass a mirror, I purr with raw sexual energy at the vision of physical perfection I see before me,” hectored the squinty, skull-faced bonebag to a BBC noddy whose looks have had a far greater impact on their career path than any rudimentary journalistic talents they might possess.
Professor Lyndsey Davies, president of the UK Faculty of Health, sounded a note of caution, however.
"I would probably be more likely to say something like 'ahem can we talk about your weight' rather than invite a well-earned twatting at the hands of a tank on legs,” she cautioned, adding: “There is a lot of stigma to being a fat person. They’ve taken it from their fellow workers, they’ve taken it from their neighbours, they’ve taken it from arseholes leaning out of cars and they’re certainly not going to take any more of it from a patronising golf enthusiast whose mind is largely preoccupied with calculating how many more weeks in Tuscany he can squeeze into a year once he’s flogged his practice to BUPA.”
“Parp,” commented a fat person not a million miles from the Nev Filter offices.
4 comments:
Oh God! Pictures Too. Happy.
What are they going to call us erm, Sort?
You have written 1282 posts since 2008. And yet you are a Cipher. My highly developed cyber-sleuthing, the terror of the Autism world, draws a blank with Nev.
My highly qualified crack team of linguists, psychiatrists. psychologist and check-out girls have delivered their latest report into Mr Nev Filter. They say:
IDENTITY PROBABILITIES:
34% Bill Gates
23% Socrates (blogger)
6% Peter Purvis
5% That Fat Bloke from Emmerdale
2% Benny (Crossroads)
1% Socrates (Dead Philosopher)
0.5% Margaret Thatcher.
HOME TOWN PROBABILITIES:
17% Barnsley
12% Pontypridd
8% Ainderby Quernhow
2% Ealing
1% Chattanooga
0.2% Sealand
I'm quite happy with my cipher lifestyle, actually, but your cyber-sleuthing somehow missed a couple of references to my hometown, Plymouth. It's understandable, as the council is always promising that the latest new building project will finally "put Plymouth on the map." To date, it seems the Ordnance Survey is stubbornly refusing to acknowledge our existence.
Bill Gates, eh? That's worrying.
F-a-D!
I had Looe spontaneously pop into my head as I began writing that...
Perhaps we drunkenly and disappointedly bumped into each other, when I spent 2 1/2 days hitch-hiking to watch an eclipse, only to find myself stuck in a field for two days with Hawkwind.
The bass player had a hearing aid, and I swear I'd seen the guitar player on Countryfile talking about silage (that's not a joke).
There was this Liverpudlian in a teepee (that's not a joke either), he had a dog called Pig. And was very paranoid.
If it was the total eclipse, I spent it on a rooftop terrace with some Scots who'd come an awful long way just to see some darkness. I distinctly remember watching camera flashes going off all over the city, and wondering exactly what it was the photographic geniuses of Plymouth thought they were illuminating.
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