In a keynote speech defending the government's strategy on Afghanistan, prime minister Gordon Brown has stymied his critics by outlining Britain's aims, calling them "realistic and achievable".
With 212 British soldiers now dead in the ongoing conflict and yesterday's resignation of defence aide and former soldier Eric Joyce, Mr Brown has been under increasing pressure to explain why Britain remains committed to a war many feel it cannot hope to win.
"Only this week I was in Afghanistan myself, bringing cheer to our hard-pressed heroes by announcing that I would be committing more troops to the theatre of operations," smiled Mr Brown. "No longer will they be distracted from achieving our aims by getting rotated out of Afghanistan at the end of their tour of duty. From now on they can stay in the front line until the job is done."
"You can imagine their happy faces when they heard that," he added.
Those War Aims In Full
1. to Greet Every New Day With a Smile;
2. to Eat Three Square Meals a Day;
3. to Take It As It Comes;
4. to Never Let The Bastards Get Us Down;
5. to Think Only Happy Thoughts;
6. to Turn Challenges Into Opportunities;
7. to Go To Work On An Egg;
8. to Drop One Dress Size by Christmas [insert year here].
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