Lemmings Puzzled By Behaviour of British Humans

Lemmings from Norway are to study the bizarre behaviour of the British human, a primitive, rat-like creature which hurls itself off cliffs every summer for no readily apparent reason.

"Masses of these simple animals migrate westward to their dismal, rainswept coast of Cornwall every summer, for reasons we cannot fathom," said lead researcher Sven Lemming. "But they just don't seem able to stop, and many of them go on to plummet to their deaths over the nearest cliff. Only yesterday, a human narrowly survived a 50ft fall onto rocks at Mevagissey. Apparently the poor dumb animal thought this was a good way to catch fish. And the beaches of Newquay are littered every summer with the pulpy remains of humans who climbed over fences and railings to leap to their doom. They seem to possess some kind of anti-Darwinian self-culling instinct."

The bizarre self-obliterating habits of the British human seem to be in some way linked to water. Rivers, ponds and water-filled quarries across the country are said to be dangerously clogged with soggy corpses - many of them juveniles, who the lemmings believe may have died while practicing the atavistic death-plunge which is the hallmark of their species. Other juveniles and young adults indulge in a strange mating display called 'tombstoning', where they will jump from cliffs, rocks and piers into about three inches of water to impress a squawking female.

"No body of water is too small for these animals to fulfil their unconscious desire for a watery grave, and nor can they resist the primeval urge to plummet to their deaths from any available ledge," said Dr Lemming. "Hotels all over the world are infested with migrating British humans hell-bent on wedging their heads in the swimming-pool filter or toppling off the balcony."

However, some lemmings suspect the tales of mass suicide are not what they appear.

"British humans are generally sluggish, indolent creatures who prefer not to stray far from their foul-smelling nests," said Professor Erik Lemming, who has risked his life to live among the British humans in order to study their strange habits. "I believe this so-called 'instinct' is in fact an unnaturally-engineered phenomenon, carried out for chiefly the benefit of nearby cameras."

Despite their propensity for self-inflicted death, however, the British human is not in any danger of extinction.

"They seem to be incredibly fecund little critters, producing litter after litter of squealing young from an early age," said Dr Sven. "Although - given their many other unappealing habits - if they were to die out, I can't say the world would really miss them."