Police have defended their behaviour during the G20 protests in London, citing 30 injuries received by officers carrying out Operation Glencoe Massacre and claiming that their response - leading to one death and 80 separate reports of assault to the Independent Police Complaints Commission, which is also looking at 50 complaints about 'kettling' tactics - was "proportionate".
"Evenin' all. What you have to remember is that the Climate Camp was nothing less than an attempt to overthrow civilisation by bloodthirtsy revolutionaries who want to eat your children," said Inspector Savage, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police Federation.
"One of our number was callously scalded while trying to figure out how to make a cup of tea at the Excel Centre, another was bitten by a rioting dog and another was lucky to survive after tripping over a crypto-anarchist safety barrier," he explained. "Worst of all, a colleague from the City of London force suffered a stiff neck after being cruelly forced to wear a heavy helmet. Surrounded by such dire threats to life and limb, is it any wonder some brave officers on the spot exercised their legal right to murder a newspaper vendor?"
"The injuries show the level of violence that was shown towards police during the protest," he concluded.
"Mind how you go now," he told the press conference, before tripping over his shoelace and laying into the front row of reporters with his baton.
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