Scientists are beginning to suspect that Britain's women may have been supplanted by some hitherto-unknown lower species with a natural talent for mimicry, after a survey revealed that their idea of contraception involves stuffing a granary loaf up their aunt Mary.
Other commonly held - but woefully inept - notions of family planning include clingfilm, crisps, Coca-Cola and kebabs.
"Jesus H Christ," sobbed a crestfallen biologist. "Five hundred generations of humanity's greatest thinkers sweated blood to broaden the horizons of knowledge and understanding, and this is the end result? It makes you think. Or rather, it doesn't."
It is now feared that some kind of mindless creature with a natural talent for mimicry - like that fly that looks a bit like a wasp, or a very big virus - may, through a chance mutation, have evolved some rudimentary feature which made it more attractive to human males.
"Imagine, if you will, a virus suddenly appears sporting a magnificent pair of baps, or a fly with a nicely rounded arse," suggested Britain's leading biologist, Richard Dawkins. "That would attract a certain number of desperate, sperm-laden males to deposit their genetic material in its rudimentary front bottom. The resulting spawn would cannibalise that human DNA, perhaps developing an irresistible orange tint. In remarkably few generations, you'd have something that would resemble a human female quite closely, especially after ten pints. But in fact it would be a hideous, mindless thing with only one overriding purpose - to replicate itself endlessly. It would have a deep-seated, instinctive aversion to any form of effective contraception - hence it adopts these absurd tactics."
"Fortunately, this awful creature - if it does exist - appears to be confined in range solely to the British Isles," explained Professor Dawkins, "And only a very shallow and limited intellect would be fooled by such a mutant monstrosity."
"Bzzz," agreed his rather attractive wife, former Dr Who assistant Lalla Ward, as she repeatedly bumped her head against a window.
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