Environmental Disaster Narrowly Averted By Toxic Heavy Metal Light-Bulbs

The world was saved from turning into a roasting Venus-like hell today, thanks to the timely abolition of evil tungsten light-bulbs by the heroic European Union.

Global temperatures have already dropped to nominal levels, endangered species are breeding like never before and the hole in the ozone layer is rapidly closing up, say some men in white lab-coats.

"Today's Europe-wide ban on the sale of evil old-fashioned light-bulbs completes stage two of our masterplan," said Professor Oz Ram. "As I speak, stage three is being implemented. There is no cause for alarm. You will shortly be receiving a visit from one of our dedicated clean-up teams, who have a warrant to enter your home, smash any remaining evil bulbs with baseball bats and arrest you for your part in a nefarious plot to destroy the planet. Please remain calm."

"Saintly light-bulb manufacturers have selflessly put the profit motive to one side in order to meet the demand for fluorescent lights," explained Dr Phil Lips. "And it's cost them - I mean us - a pretty penny in increased manufacturing costs, let me tell you. Regrettably, we - sorry, they - will almost certainly be forced to hike the price up sharply in order to return to our- whoops, their previous levels of profitability."

"Unfortunately, there now remains the slight problem of what to do with all that horrifically toxic mercury when the bulbs wear out and go into landfill," sighed Dr Maz Da. "Perhaps we could look into the possibility of banning these deadly fluorescent deathtraps and replacing them with LED arrays, like cyclists use. They use very little power, and really will last for years. However, setting up new production lines costs a few bob, and it's jolly nice having a captive market - er, so I'm told - so our advice for the next few years is to buy as many cuddly, evil fluorescent tubes as possible."