Foreign Secretary Miliband One is to have a jet plane all to himself, according to an announcement from the Foreign Office.
Official government policy is for ministers to use commercial flights wherever possible. However, this was proving difficult, said a senior mandarin, as airline passengers were reluctant to travel on the same aircraft as the Foreign Secretary, in case he bit them with his rows of needle-like teeth.
Where commercial flights are not suitable, normal practice is for a minister to call on the services of the RAF's 32 Squadron. However, due what the government describes as "changes in the RAF", hard-pressed ground crews are not always able to bolt together a working aircraft from bits of their ageing BAe 125 and 146 fleet in time for the minister's requirements.
The Foreign Office says it studied several commercial alternatives before deciding that, since Prime Minister Gordon Brown had now apparently overcome his disdain for Tony Blair's prediliction for dashing around the world pretending to be important, any appearances on the world stage by the Foreign Secretary were now merely a distracting irrelevance.
"So we've given him an Airfix kit," said the spokesman. "We decided that a Concorde would be appropriate. Unfortunately, the Foreign Secretary squeezed all the glue into his hair while his private secretary was out making a cup of tea, so the wheels keep falling off. And he accidentally swallowed the nose cone."
Meanwhile the Foreign Secretary's backup clone, Miliband Two, is reported to have thrown a tantrum and locked himself in the lavatory at the Department of Energy and Climate Change, Unconfirmed reports say he is refusing to come out until the Prime Minister buys him a Scalextric set.
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