The Pentagon has identified a need for a digital warfare force, says Lt Gen Keith Alexander, head of America's National Security Agency, in a report to the House Armed Services Committee.
The Cyber Command general - who said that the prominent handles on either side of his head were a top-secret communications device keeping him in permanent contact with his department - warned the government that Osama bin Laden was just the type of embittered loner likely to enter into a sinister pact with the Daleks, enabling him to download the entire internet in seconds.
"I urge the government to fund the development of a digital warfare force to counter this unprecedented threat," intoned the general. "America needs an unstoppable army of what I choose to call 'cyber men'. Now if you'll just put these headphones on, I'd like to make a short audio presentation which will change your minds forever, as well as correcting certain weaknesses."
Representatives came out of the briefing later and, speaking in unison, told the nation: "The general is correct. All conflict is caused by emotion. You will become like us. All enemies will be deleted."
Along with Lt Gen Alexander, the converted politicians marched off to brief President Obama, who has already ordered a review of cyber security.
"He will become like us," said the blank-faced general. "He is the logical choice for the position of Cyberleader. The cyber race is accustomed to taking its orders from a machine-being with a black face."
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