Evil Pervert Rolf Harris Still At Large

The world's most evil man, Rolf Harris, is trying to evade lynch justice at the hands of right-thinking people by disguising himself as pop legend Gary Glitter, according to the News of the World.

Harris, an unrepentant pet-molester who rose to fame in the sixties, is revealed in the respected paper to be a sad, lonely figure, with a sinister goatee beard and a sick, perverted mop of greying hair who mocks public censure by cynically continuing to eat, drink and breathe.

The sicko pervert began his assault on decency by shamelessly singing about two little boys playing with each other on a battlefield. He then appeared on the nation's TV screens, painting suggestively in front of innocent little children on a huge canvas. He was also notorious for frequenting swimming pools full of children - with a camera crew, which he used to record his vile exploits - where he got his disgusting kicks by inviting unsuspecting youngsters to jump on him.

Evil Harris then changed his tactics, preying instead on vulnerable young people whose rabbits were ill, sidling up to them in veterinary surgeons' waiting rooms and worming his wicked way into the tearful kids' confidence by professing deep sympathy for their pets' plight.

In the 1990s the monster reinvented himself yet again, releasing a string of cover versions calculated to appeal to preteens, such as Stairway to Heaven. Harris was frequently to be found in students' unions up and down the country, parading himself shamelessly in front of children as young as 18.

"Make no mistake, Rolf Harris is the biggest threat to children the world has ever seen," said an editorial in the News of the World written in vivid red crayon. "We urge our highly-intelligent readers to gather up firewood, hunt down this pathetic creature and burn him alive - preferably recording his agonised screams with a decent-quality camcorder although mobile phone footage will do at a pinch. We will then use it to sell more papers before handing it over to the police, prior to running a sensational feature on morons taking the law into their own hands."