Saturday 9 May 2009

Met Chief Understands Public Concerns All Too Well

The head of the Metropolitan Police, Sir Paul Jong-Stephenson, says he understands the public's concerns over police tactics such as beating up innocent bystanders, using terror laws to arrest anyone who looks them in the eye, shooting depressed pensioners and killing each other over whose turn it was to do the washing up.

Sir Paul stopped short of admitting that the controversial tactics were wrong, but conceded that frightening members of the public was "hugely irresponsible".

"But it's just so hugely enjoyable, too," he added.

"Is this the price we pay for not having the paramilitary equipment our colleagues would have on the continent?" asked Sir Paul. When asked if he was referring to water cannons, he replied, "I was thinking more of those funky pocket sub-machine guns, actually. And maybe one of those Swedish tanks our American counterparts use to push holes in walls - although, personally, I don't get the point of welding a big sheet of armour plate across the end of the barrel. Surely, if you've got a 105mm gun to play with, you can have a lot more fun with armour-piercing HE rounds?"

"And I'd really like an attack helicopter like Airwolf, too," continued the nation's most powerful, least accountable police chief. "And a couple of Harriers with those rocket pods would be nice. A few dozen carefully-planted Claymore mines would be bloody useful for livening up protest marches. Flamethrowers! Christ, they'd wouldn't half come in handy for clearing out squatters. In fact, fuck it, give me one Hercules and a couple of fuel/air bombs, and I'll show the bastard public something to make them shit their internal organs out."

"Are you listening, Home Secretary?" he shouted. "How many more police officers must die at the hands of other police officers before you give us the tools we need to do our jobs properly?"

"Excuse me, I think I need to change my trousers," concluded Sir Paul.

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