New York's iconic Statue of Liberty is to be fully reopened for the first time in eight years, announced US Interior Secretary Ken Salazar today.
Public access to the windows in the statue's crown was blocked in the aftermath of the 9/11 attack on Manhattan's Twin Towers, amid security fears that al-Qaeda terrorists wishing to launch a fearsome barrage of burning paper darts at the defenceless city might fall and hurt themselves on the narrow spiral staircase leading to the head of the 123-year-old statue.
"Nothing symbolizes what America is, and the hope and the optimism, than the Statue of Liberty," declared Mr Salazar. "And that's why people who have lost all hope and optimism thanks to the economic downturn will be able to haul their sorry carcasses up a new, wider staircase - encouraged by strategically-positioned Rangers of the National Park Service, who will remind them to keep a tight grip on the handrail - before finding welcome release from their sorrows by leaping from the crown to a messy death a hundred feet below."
"The statue will be open for two years," he continued. "After that, either things will have got better, or we'll need to come up with a more efficient method for clearing the dead wood from the population."
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