The police are to investigate how details of cabinet ministers' stunning blags entered the public domain. Ministers, meanwhile, wasted no time before issuing a joint statement saying that there could be absolutely no public interest defence, as the ordinary people of Britain were far too busy worrying about losing their jobs, homes and hopes for the future.
"Why on earth would a laid-off shop worker in Bradford, struggling to keep the bailiffs out, care about the £6,577 I claimed back for cleaning services provided by my brother - who, as a senior executive at EDF Energy, is obviously a world authority on cleaning up?" asked Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "Honestly, people ought to sort their own lives out before pointing the finger at others."
Communities Secretary Hazel Blears added: "Is it really anybody's business that I've claimed for three different properties in one year? I'm just trying to do my job by experiencing life at first hand in as many different communities as I can. The little people usually only have to choose new furniture once every few years. It's a wonder I get anything done at all doing whatever it is that I'm supposed to do. People should be more sympathetic."
Justice Secretary Jack Straw agreed, saying that instead of criticising him for claiming back his full council tax bill despite receiving a 50% reduction, the nation's unemployeds should get off their lazy bastard arses and start bloody paying some themselves. "Hasn't anybody ever heard of the pot calling the kettle black?" he snapped. "God, if there's one thing I hate, it's hypocrisy."
"Surely there is no public interest whatsoever in this trivial flim-flam," concluded the Prime Minister. "But if there is, they can rest assured that we'll claim it back at the highest rate we can get away with, once we've adjusted it in real terms."
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