Britain is to tell Iran that it is more than welcome to keep five insufferable pricks and their toy sailing boat, but warn the Middle Eastern rogue state that in future it might want to restrict its hostage-taking activities to yachts without sails.
"We recognise that, as a pariah state, Iran is desperate to win friends," said a spokesman for the Foreign and Commonwealth Office today. "Certainly, the detention of five self-satisfied, tanned bastards - whose lives are so peachy they can afford to swan around in some so-called 'race' nobody would otherwise have ever heard of - will win Iran plenty of new friends in the lengthening dole queues of Britain, where people are having to decide between putting the heating on for an hour or boiling the kettle for a cup of tea."
"Smugly insulated from the sufferings of their compatriots as these yachtie twerps are, though, if President Ahmedinejad really wants to get the British people waving his posters in the streets, he ought to be sending his Revolutionary Guard dinghies to put a couple of torpedoes into the floating gin palaces operated by our major financial institutions," he continued. "And, frankly, if Lord Mandelson happened to be aboard at the time, the cheering would be heard all the way to Tehran."
"Or perhaps they could mount a seaborne invasion of Sark," he added. "If Iran wants to seize the Barclay brothers, I'm sure the Admiralty has charts and tide tables that would help enormously."
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Overconfident Coyote Allowed Bin Runner To Escape, Says Report
A hard-hitting Senate report concludes that a series of incompetent blunders by US Defense Secretary Wile E. Rumsfeld allowed his cheeky arch-enemy, Osama Bin Runner, to get clean away in 2001.
The report claims that when 100 US commandos had the pesky Bin Runner cornered in a remote, rocky wilderness with only one road in and out, rather than sending in more reinforcements as requested, the defense coyote instead saw fit to issue several lucrative contracts to Acme - a company with close ties to the Bush administration - for a long line of expensive technological solutions with wildly-unrealistic chances of success.
Unhindered by the Rumsfeld's ill-advised deployment of naval cannon, rocket cycles, dynamite-carrying arrows, unfeasibly quick-drying cement and grand pianos, the Bin Runner eventually escaped when the Rumsfeld rather stupidly painted a tunnel on an escarpment with a sign saying "Short Cut to Pakistan". As the confident Rumsfeld gave chase, the Bin Runner inexplicably escaped into the painting while his pursuer - predictably - ran at full tilt into the rockface, injuring himself further by setting off a small landslide.
"We now have no idea of that darned Bin Runner's whereabouts," said John Kerry, head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. "Is he in Pakistan's lawless tribal areas? Or is he hiding inside the cliff itself? We just don't know."
Wile E. Rumsfeld was unavailable for comment today, as has been plummeting to the bottom of a very deep canyon since the end of the Bush presidency. Several senators are now calling for the Obama administration to censure the former defense coyote, possibly by dropping a 1-ton anvil after him.
The report claims that when 100 US commandos had the pesky Bin Runner cornered in a remote, rocky wilderness with only one road in and out, rather than sending in more reinforcements as requested, the defense coyote instead saw fit to issue several lucrative contracts to Acme - a company with close ties to the Bush administration - for a long line of expensive technological solutions with wildly-unrealistic chances of success.
Unhindered by the Rumsfeld's ill-advised deployment of naval cannon, rocket cycles, dynamite-carrying arrows, unfeasibly quick-drying cement and grand pianos, the Bin Runner eventually escaped when the Rumsfeld rather stupidly painted a tunnel on an escarpment with a sign saying "Short Cut to Pakistan". As the confident Rumsfeld gave chase, the Bin Runner inexplicably escaped into the painting while his pursuer - predictably - ran at full tilt into the rockface, injuring himself further by setting off a small landslide.
"We now have no idea of that darned Bin Runner's whereabouts," said John Kerry, head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. "Is he in Pakistan's lawless tribal areas? Or is he hiding inside the cliff itself? We just don't know."
Wile E. Rumsfeld was unavailable for comment today, as has been plummeting to the bottom of a very deep canyon since the end of the Bush presidency. Several senators are now calling for the Obama administration to censure the former defense coyote, possibly by dropping a 1-ton anvil after him.
Answer To Hammerhead Shark Mystery Turns Out To Be The Bloody Obvious One
Scientists around the world fainted in amazement when colleagues finally revealed the answer to the greatest mystery in the universe.
"Ever since man first lowered his head into the oceans like a rilly long time ago, he has bent his every effort to solving one burning question, i.e. why would hammerhead sharks go round looking like that?" said Dr Michelle Strangelove of the Florida Sea World University.
"For years, religious leaders and mystics said God must have had His reasons, and great thinkers who questioned His infinite wisdom had an unfortunate tendency to, like, go on fire in those days," she told her baffled peers.
It was Galileo who first put forward the dangerous theory that having widely-spaced eyes might be some kind of aid to depth perception, which in turn might come in handy when trying to sneak up quickly on a tasty but agile morsel. As a result, he was confined to his house and cruelly denied a pet goldfish by the church authorities for the rest of his life.
With the dawning of the Age of Enlightenment, Sir Isaac Newton suggested that hammerhead sharks might be particularly adept at catching fallen apples on their tray-like heads and serving them to their pointy-headed friends - until he climbed on the shoulders of giants during a trip to the seaside and realised the scarcity of apple trees in the marine environment.
In Victorian times, the well-known naturist Charles Darwin speculated that the shark's wide, flattened head might be jolly useful for banging Nail-Arsed Dolphins into rocks. However, a century of expeditions by the Royal Navy, the National Geographic Society and Jacques Cousteau failed to produce a single Nail-Arsed Dolphin to back up the theory, which discredited it somewhat in the eyes of the scientific establishment.
"Would you believe, at the exact same time, the development of the rifled-bore cannon was greatly increasing the range of naval gunnery, leading to the invention of the stereoscopic rangefinder," pointed out Dr Strangelove. "With hindsight it seems remarkable that nobody like made the connection. But hey - why should they? Do sharks have guns? I don't think so!"
"Nevertheless, by waving pencils in front of hammerhead sharks, our high-turnover team of grad students discovered that they do in fact have like rilly good eyesight, which they use to surge forward without warning and accurately snatch the pencil from the researcher's fingers, right up to the elbows," she explained. "Now all we need is to devise some kind of corrective glasses with an exceptionally wide bridge - and maybe some way of fitting them to the world's hammerhead shark population - and swimmers and their pencils will never need to fear a dip in the ocean again."
"Now, I'd rilly like to find out the real reason why limpets have shells," she added. "Can I have some more money, please?"
"Ever since man first lowered his head into the oceans like a rilly long time ago, he has bent his every effort to solving one burning question, i.e. why would hammerhead sharks go round looking like that?" said Dr Michelle Strangelove of the Florida Sea World University.
"For years, religious leaders and mystics said God must have had His reasons, and great thinkers who questioned His infinite wisdom had an unfortunate tendency to, like, go on fire in those days," she told her baffled peers.
It was Galileo who first put forward the dangerous theory that having widely-spaced eyes might be some kind of aid to depth perception, which in turn might come in handy when trying to sneak up quickly on a tasty but agile morsel. As a result, he was confined to his house and cruelly denied a pet goldfish by the church authorities for the rest of his life.
With the dawning of the Age of Enlightenment, Sir Isaac Newton suggested that hammerhead sharks might be particularly adept at catching fallen apples on their tray-like heads and serving them to their pointy-headed friends - until he climbed on the shoulders of giants during a trip to the seaside and realised the scarcity of apple trees in the marine environment.
In Victorian times, the well-known naturist Charles Darwin speculated that the shark's wide, flattened head might be jolly useful for banging Nail-Arsed Dolphins into rocks. However, a century of expeditions by the Royal Navy, the National Geographic Society and Jacques Cousteau failed to produce a single Nail-Arsed Dolphin to back up the theory, which discredited it somewhat in the eyes of the scientific establishment.
"Would you believe, at the exact same time, the development of the rifled-bore cannon was greatly increasing the range of naval gunnery, leading to the invention of the stereoscopic rangefinder," pointed out Dr Strangelove. "With hindsight it seems remarkable that nobody like made the connection. But hey - why should they? Do sharks have guns? I don't think so!"
"Nevertheless, by waving pencils in front of hammerhead sharks, our high-turnover team of grad students discovered that they do in fact have like rilly good eyesight, which they use to surge forward without warning and accurately snatch the pencil from the researcher's fingers, right up to the elbows," she explained. "Now all we need is to devise some kind of corrective glasses with an exceptionally wide bridge - and maybe some way of fitting them to the world's hammerhead shark population - and swimmers and their pencils will never need to fear a dip in the ocean again."
"Now, I'd rilly like to find out the real reason why limpets have shells," she added. "Can I have some more money, please?"
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Jesus Founded Glastonbury Festival, Claims Scotsman
The Son of God visited Britain and built a small world music stage at Glastonbury with the aid of His father, Joseph of Arimathea, according to a new film which stretches the meaning of 'documentary' further than ever before.
In the film 'And Did Those Feet', Scottish minister Dr Gormless Strachan cites a letter to the Pope, written in 597AD, in which St Augustine specifically mentions that a bald, ruddy-cheeked farmer he found lying in a ditch and reeking of fermented apple juice had told him that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a small platform in the middle of his grazing pasture was constructed by Jesus Himself, and that the teenage Christ had performed various Aramaic chants to an appreciative audience of Celts, oxen and a mystic druid selling herbal remedies from the back of a dung-cart.
"The rude yokel also doth solemnly vouchsafe that the middens dug by Our Blessed Redeemer did sorely tax the nostrils of all present," wrote St Augustine. "Except the druid, who did preach unto the gathering that the foul stench was beneficial for the roses of the field. It pleased them greatly, therefore, to tumble the heathen into the stinking ordure and thereupon to ask him to speak thus again. And the Lord was glad in His heart."
"Well, of such did he say, Thine Eminence," concluded the venerated saint. "Draw thine own conclusions."
"This letter is concrete evidence that Jesus came to Britain - and, as a lecturer in the history of architecture, I certainly know concrete when I see it," shouted Dr Strachan, who lectures at Edinburgh University although possibly not for much longer.
"If somebody was wanting to learn about the spirituality and thinking not just of the Jews but also the classical and Greek world, he would have come to Britain, which was the centre of learning at the time," exclaimed director/producer Ted Gullible. "He certainly wouldn't have learned much about Judaism from growing up in Palestine, and nor would he have picked up anything meaningful about classical values as he slowly walked the entire length of the Roman Empire over a period of several months, passing through such cesspools of ignorance as Athens and Rome."
"No, at that time all the accumulation of knowledge and wisdom in the world was being done by a manky bunch of violent piss-artists wallowing in their own filth on a boggy island just past the farthest reaches of civilisation," he insisted.
"If Fox Channel buy this, my next historical documentary will prove that a Lancaster bomber really did crash on the moon," vowed Dr Strachan. "This legend was mentioned in the Dark Ages of Thatcher by that impeccably impartial recorder of events, The Sport - and if you look closely at this precious fragment of the original document, you can just make out an 82-inch pair of tits which prove its authenticity as a source document."
"It's criminal that the MoD still refuses to send a rescue helicopter to pick up the crew," he added. "Our brave boys deserve better."
In the film 'And Did Those Feet', Scottish minister Dr Gormless Strachan cites a letter to the Pope, written in 597AD, in which St Augustine specifically mentions that a bald, ruddy-cheeked farmer he found lying in a ditch and reeking of fermented apple juice had told him that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a small platform in the middle of his grazing pasture was constructed by Jesus Himself, and that the teenage Christ had performed various Aramaic chants to an appreciative audience of Celts, oxen and a mystic druid selling herbal remedies from the back of a dung-cart.
"The rude yokel also doth solemnly vouchsafe that the middens dug by Our Blessed Redeemer did sorely tax the nostrils of all present," wrote St Augustine. "Except the druid, who did preach unto the gathering that the foul stench was beneficial for the roses of the field. It pleased them greatly, therefore, to tumble the heathen into the stinking ordure and thereupon to ask him to speak thus again. And the Lord was glad in His heart."
"Well, of such did he say, Thine Eminence," concluded the venerated saint. "Draw thine own conclusions."
"This letter is concrete evidence that Jesus came to Britain - and, as a lecturer in the history of architecture, I certainly know concrete when I see it," shouted Dr Strachan, who lectures at Edinburgh University although possibly not for much longer.
"If somebody was wanting to learn about the spirituality and thinking not just of the Jews but also the classical and Greek world, he would have come to Britain, which was the centre of learning at the time," exclaimed director/producer Ted Gullible. "He certainly wouldn't have learned much about Judaism from growing up in Palestine, and nor would he have picked up anything meaningful about classical values as he slowly walked the entire length of the Roman Empire over a period of several months, passing through such cesspools of ignorance as Athens and Rome."
"No, at that time all the accumulation of knowledge and wisdom in the world was being done by a manky bunch of violent piss-artists wallowing in their own filth on a boggy island just past the farthest reaches of civilisation," he insisted.
"If Fox Channel buy this, my next historical documentary will prove that a Lancaster bomber really did crash on the moon," vowed Dr Strachan. "This legend was mentioned in the Dark Ages of Thatcher by that impeccably impartial recorder of events, The Sport - and if you look closely at this precious fragment of the original document, you can just make out an 82-inch pair of tits which prove its authenticity as a source document."
"It's criminal that the MoD still refuses to send a rescue helicopter to pick up the crew," he added. "Our brave boys deserve better."
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Mandelson Invents Socialism
The business secretary, Lord Mandelson, is said by Labour Party insiders to be eagerly fleshing out the details of a radical new political theory he has just thought up, which he is calling 'socialism'.
The former European Commissioner for Trade tentatively announced the first of his theories today - suggesting, in a speech to the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders which was received in hostile silence, that an industry which relentlessly churns out thousands of new cars every day, simply to create an artificial demand for vehicles which people cannot afford and do not need, might not actually be the smartest thing that mankind has ever dreamed up.
"If that evil commie pervert isn't stopped - and fast - pretty soon he won't just be suggesting that replacing your car every two years simply because you're bored with it might not be the best use of the planet's dwindling resources. There's a very real danger that he might dare to question the whole principle of rampant consumerism," growled a Ford executive. "And from there, it's only a short step to entertaining wholesale doubts about the necessity of the artificial monetary system which underpins this unrestricted capitalist system which we all take absolutely for granted."
"Mammon help us all if that happens," he added.
"Kill him," screamed a senior BMW director. "Kill him now, before he infects anyone else with this vile disease."
Meanwhile, staff at a London graveyard report that the body of Herbert Morrison, one of the stalwarts of the Labour movement and Baron Mandelson's grandfather, is revolving more slowly than at any time in the last 12 years.
The former European Commissioner for Trade tentatively announced the first of his theories today - suggesting, in a speech to the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders which was received in hostile silence, that an industry which relentlessly churns out thousands of new cars every day, simply to create an artificial demand for vehicles which people cannot afford and do not need, might not actually be the smartest thing that mankind has ever dreamed up.
"If that evil commie pervert isn't stopped - and fast - pretty soon he won't just be suggesting that replacing your car every two years simply because you're bored with it might not be the best use of the planet's dwindling resources. There's a very real danger that he might dare to question the whole principle of rampant consumerism," growled a Ford executive. "And from there, it's only a short step to entertaining wholesale doubts about the necessity of the artificial monetary system which underpins this unrestricted capitalist system which we all take absolutely for granted."
"Mammon help us all if that happens," he added.
"Kill him," screamed a senior BMW director. "Kill him now, before he infects anyone else with this vile disease."
Meanwhile, staff at a London graveyard report that the body of Herbert Morrison, one of the stalwarts of the Labour movement and Baron Mandelson's grandfather, is revolving more slowly than at any time in the last 12 years.
Police Deny Arresting The Innocent To Add Them To Illegal Database
Police chiefs in England and Wales have angrily denied claims made in Nothing to Hide, Nothing to Fear? - a report published today by the Human Genetics Commission - that officers were arresting innocent citizens on the slightest of legal pretexts, simply to get as many people as possible onto the national DNA database.
"This is plainly wrong," said a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. "If it were so, we'd be arresting the Justice Secretary - and, for that matter, ourselves - for keeping the database up and running, despite a ruling last year from the European Court of Human Rights that retaining the profiles of anybody released without charge is illegal."
"Having said that, with Christmas round the corner, people should be aware that the eating of mince pies on Christmas Day has been against the law in England since Cromwell's time," he went on. "We shall also be cracking down on those who callously stick stamps on upside down, improvise home-made devices for sliding on ice or snow, or wantonly break eggs open at the pointy end."
"And I say this to the so-called 'ladies' who openly eat chocolate on public transport, and the sociopathic taxi drivers who neglect to ask their passengers if they have smallpox," he added. "We know who you are, and where you live. These evil desperadoes can shortly expect to receive their just desserts - namely, a jab in the arm in the middle of the night."
"This is plainly wrong," said a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. "If it were so, we'd be arresting the Justice Secretary - and, for that matter, ourselves - for keeping the database up and running, despite a ruling last year from the European Court of Human Rights that retaining the profiles of anybody released without charge is illegal."
"Having said that, with Christmas round the corner, people should be aware that the eating of mince pies on Christmas Day has been against the law in England since Cromwell's time," he went on. "We shall also be cracking down on those who callously stick stamps on upside down, improvise home-made devices for sliding on ice or snow, or wantonly break eggs open at the pointy end."
"And I say this to the so-called 'ladies' who openly eat chocolate on public transport, and the sociopathic taxi drivers who neglect to ask their passengers if they have smallpox," he added. "We know who you are, and where you live. These evil desperadoes can shortly expect to receive their just desserts - namely, a jab in the arm in the middle of the night."
Monday, 23 November 2009
Thatcher's Portrait Immortalised In Number Ten For Future Prime Ministers To Abuse
Margaret Thatcher was today back in Number 10 Downing Street, as PM Gordon Brown's guest of honour at the unveiling of a portrait of her smug, hated visage.
Whereas portraits of two previous prime ministers, David Lloyd George and Winston Churchill, hang on the walls of No.10, Baroness Thatcher's detestable face breaks with tradition by being painted on a Spacehopper.
"I am more than happy to be the first British Prime Minister to be able to sit at my desk, raise my head from my hands and look upon the sour, arrogant features of that awful harridan leering back at me," said Mr Brown. "And it will give me particular pleasure to go down in history as the first British Prime Minister to rise from my desk with a howl of rage and - on behalf of generations of British citizens who will be paying the price of her petty, vindictive evisceration of the nation's industrial profits base - kick her sneering face all around the room until I fall to the floor in a state of sated exhaustion."
Baroness Thatcher did not make a speech, as she has long since retreated behind impenetrable mental walls, which she uses to block out the increasingly-obvious results of her pig-headed policy of shutting down British industries - or, if they had been nationalised on the grounds that they were too essential to the sound running of the nation to be left in the hands of greedy profiteers, flogging them off for a song to her greedy, profiteering friends.
There have already been calls from Labour politicians staring down the throat of imminent unemployment for the spacehopper portrait to be made widely available to disgruntled voters.
"This could be the cheap, feelgood gimmick that wins us another term in the trough- whoops, I mean office," said disgraced Labour MP Andrew Dismore.
Whereas portraits of two previous prime ministers, David Lloyd George and Winston Churchill, hang on the walls of No.10, Baroness Thatcher's detestable face breaks with tradition by being painted on a Spacehopper.
"I am more than happy to be the first British Prime Minister to be able to sit at my desk, raise my head from my hands and look upon the sour, arrogant features of that awful harridan leering back at me," said Mr Brown. "And it will give me particular pleasure to go down in history as the first British Prime Minister to rise from my desk with a howl of rage and - on behalf of generations of British citizens who will be paying the price of her petty, vindictive evisceration of the nation's industrial profits base - kick her sneering face all around the room until I fall to the floor in a state of sated exhaustion."
Baroness Thatcher did not make a speech, as she has long since retreated behind impenetrable mental walls, which she uses to block out the increasingly-obvious results of her pig-headed policy of shutting down British industries - or, if they had been nationalised on the grounds that they were too essential to the sound running of the nation to be left in the hands of greedy profiteers, flogging them off for a song to her greedy, profiteering friends.
There have already been calls from Labour politicians staring down the throat of imminent unemployment for the spacehopper portrait to be made widely available to disgruntled voters.
"This could be the cheap, feelgood gimmick that wins us another term in the trough- whoops, I mean office," said disgraced Labour MP Andrew Dismore.
Metropolitan Police Settle de Menezes Family Compensation Claim With Magnificent Sombrero
The long-running pursuit of justice for their executed relative, Jean Charles de Menezes, has finally ended after the family were offered a splendidly-oversized sombrero by Metropolitan Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson.
"A big straw hat may not seem like much by way of compensation for the state-sanctioned murder of an innocent electrician, or for the subsequent travesty of justice in which the trigger-happy incompetents who were responsible for his death got off scot-free," said Sir Kim. "But you have to remember that the standards of life are very different in Brazil, where these nuts come from. Most Brazilians live on a knife-edge of poverty and insecurity, under a remote, isolated government that has neither the resources or inclination to provide a decent safety net for those in need of support, preferring instead to line the pockets of a small wealthy clique."
"Actually, now I come to think of it, maybe the standards of life in Brazil aren't so very different after all," he mused. "Perhaps we could run to a nice, brightly-coloured poncho as well. I'll ask the lads for a whip-round."
"A big straw hat may not seem like much by way of compensation for the state-sanctioned murder of an innocent electrician, or for the subsequent travesty of justice in which the trigger-happy incompetents who were responsible for his death got off scot-free," said Sir Kim. "But you have to remember that the standards of life are very different in Brazil, where these nuts come from. Most Brazilians live on a knife-edge of poverty and insecurity, under a remote, isolated government that has neither the resources or inclination to provide a decent safety net for those in need of support, preferring instead to line the pockets of a small wealthy clique."
"Actually, now I come to think of it, maybe the standards of life in Brazil aren't so very different after all," he mused. "Perhaps we could run to a nice, brightly-coloured poncho as well. I'll ask the lads for a whip-round."
Sunday, 22 November 2009
$350,000 Wacko Glove Ideal For This Deserving One-Armed Beggar I Know, Claims Caring HK Capitalist
Mega-wealthy Hong Kong businessman Tossman Ma says that a tawdry white glove - once the property of disturbing fantasist Wackson Jackson - which he bought today at auction for $350,000 will make a world of difference to the disabled street beggar who sits dolefully outside his corporate headquarters every day.
"Every morning, when I go to work, this poor one-armed pauper looks up mournfully and shakes his begging bowl at me," explained Mr Ma. "Unfortunately I don't carry a wallet - it would rather spoil the hang of my jacket - so it really cuts me up to have to stride past him, pretending he doesn't exist. Now, though, I can send my PA out to drop this glove into his bowl when it arrives in the post. Imagine how glad he'll be of a well-padded glove, sleeping rough on the streets on a cold night. My troubled conscience can finally rest easy. Hey, I'm just a really caring guy."
The rhinestone-studded golfing glove was famously worn by the late Wackson when he first amazed the easily pleased by sliding along backwards onstage in 1983.
"Obviously, some smelly old tramp won't have much use for a couple of dozen worthless rhinestones, so I'll have those removed and auctioned separately as genuine Wackson artifacts," beamed Mr Mad. "With a bit of luck, I should double my investment."
"Why are you all looking at me like that?" he added.
"Every morning, when I go to work, this poor one-armed pauper looks up mournfully and shakes his begging bowl at me," explained Mr Ma. "Unfortunately I don't carry a wallet - it would rather spoil the hang of my jacket - so it really cuts me up to have to stride past him, pretending he doesn't exist. Now, though, I can send my PA out to drop this glove into his bowl when it arrives in the post. Imagine how glad he'll be of a well-padded glove, sleeping rough on the streets on a cold night. My troubled conscience can finally rest easy. Hey, I'm just a really caring guy."
The rhinestone-studded golfing glove was famously worn by the late Wackson when he first amazed the easily pleased by sliding along backwards onstage in 1983.
"Obviously, some smelly old tramp won't have much use for a couple of dozen worthless rhinestones, so I'll have those removed and auctioned separately as genuine Wackson artifacts," beamed Mr Mad. "With a bit of luck, I should double my investment."
"Why are you all looking at me like that?" he added.
$134,000 Umbrella Stand Ideal For This Deserving Three-Legged Elephant I Know, Claims Second Caring Capitalist
A nondescript umbrella stand once owned by the late rag-trade queen Yves Saint-Laurent was sold for £134,000 to an anonymous, caring rich bastard who says he will be donating it to a deserving elephant amputee which he often hears rummaging through the bins in the service area of his exclusive residential block, hoping to find stale buns.
"Mon Dieu, my 'eart goes out to zat poor three-legged elephant," said the secret bidder. "I 'ave often thought of chucking 'eem a stale croissant from ze penthouse balcony after entertaining friends to one of my legendary banquets - mais, naturellement, a successful businessman like me 'as to ensure zat all of 'ees 'ouse'old waste ees safely compacted and shredded. For security reasons, bien sûr."
"Actuellement, zees particular item of 'allway furniture, she ees not a hollow elephant's foot as such - she is earthenware," laughed the buyer. "Mais zut alors! ze irony of an elephant trying to 'obble around wiz ze aid of ze umbrella stand! Comme c'est drôle, n'est-ce pas?"
"Mon Dieu, my 'eart goes out to zat poor three-legged elephant," said the secret bidder. "I 'ave often thought of chucking 'eem a stale croissant from ze penthouse balcony after entertaining friends to one of my legendary banquets - mais, naturellement, a successful businessman like me 'as to ensure zat all of 'ees 'ouse'old waste ees safely compacted and shredded. For security reasons, bien sûr."
"Actuellement, zees particular item of 'allway furniture, she ees not a hollow elephant's foot as such - she is earthenware," laughed the buyer. "Mais zut alors! ze irony of an elephant trying to 'obble around wiz ze aid of ze umbrella stand! Comme c'est drôle, n'est-ce pas?"
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