Tuesday 29 December 2009

Mandelson Urges Parents Not To Let Boomerangs Come Back

Parents whose children return home after graduating should show 'tough love' and slam the door in their faces, according to none-of-my-business secretary Peter Mandelson.

"Admit it, mums and dads - after eighteen years of enforced celibacy, you've spent the last three years fucking like rabbits all over again, haven't you?" Lord Mandelson tells parents in the 'Parent Motivators' guide, published today by the Department For Business, Innovation and Skills. "Do you really want to go back to how it was before, with the little shits reclaiming their bedrooms for another decade or two? Of course you don't. Tell them there's plenty of jobs at Tesco, and show them the door."

After three or four years of learning how to drink at university, the so-called 'boomerang' children are swarming back to their parental nests, where bed, board and laundry services are freely provided - allowing them to spend their entire JSA on console games and taking part in all-night drug-fuelled orgies at the local Oceana.

"Increase their motivation by bricking up their bedrooms, toys and all, and moving them into the garden shed," advised parenting expert Mandelson. "Then you can carry on romping around the house, indulging your middle-aged role-playing sex fantasies to your heart's content."

Scratching his head, shadow skills secretary David Willetts, asked: "Excuse me, but what in the name of crikey has this got to do with sorting out the economy?"

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