Pencil-Lifting Police Too Thick To Fill Out Ballot Paper

Coming soon: CSI UK

Police officers who are fit are incapable of placing a cross in the right place on their ballot papers, admitted exasperated Police Federation officials today as they contemplated asking their members whether they want the right to strike - and those who might be capable of understanding a simple yes/no question are struggling to lift the heavy wooden tube with a black filling.

“After all the unquestioning love and loyalty we’ve shown them over the years, how bloody dare the Tories expect us to read and write, and be able to jog as well?” demanded an aggrieved spokesman. “If this lefty nonsense isn’t nipped in the bud right now, before long they’ll be asking us to work out the difference between right and wrong.”

“All we are asking for is the fundamental human right to flop down on the Parker-Knoll with a six pack of Stella, scratch our bollocks and get nostalgic over repeats of The Sweeney as Britain’s inner cities erupt in an orgy of arson, looting and blood-letting,” he pleaded. “Well, that and the right to be useless.”