Chilling Report Warns That You Will Soon Be Joining Horrible Proles

Book your place now, it's about to get rather crowded

Middle-class sphincters clutched spasmodically today, as the Institute for Fiscal Studies solemnly warned that nice people like you will soon be utterly indistinguishable from the lowlife human molluscs who cluster around the entrance of the local Jobcentre.

“With median incomes likely to fall 7% in the next two years, this would be the largest three-year fall in median income since 1974-77,” noted report co-author Robert Spreadsheet. "Face it, Middle England, you’re about to become what you hate and fear: ghastly poor people.”

Already enterprising members of the underclass are offering courses to the downwardly-mobile, covering such vital topics as acceptable levels of aggression in Jobcentres, post-nuclear family management and riot-based looting.

“Well, if I really must join the scum, I might as well hit the ground running,” shrugged a typical doomed Surrey housewife, as her personal trainer showed her the correct way to hide her face under a hood.