Chilling Report Warns That You Will Soon Be Joining Horrible Proles

Book your place now, it's about to get rather crowded

Middle-class sphincters clutched spasmodically today, as the Institute for Fiscal Studies solemnly warned that nice people like you will soon be utterly indistinguishable from the lowlife human molluscs who cluster around the entrance of the local Jobcentre.

“With median incomes likely to fall 7% in the next two years, this would be the largest three-year fall in median income since 1974-77,” noted report co-author Robert Spreadsheet. "Face it, Middle England, you’re about to become what you hate and fear: ghastly poor people.”

Already enterprising members of the underclass are offering courses to the downwardly-mobile, covering such vital topics as acceptable levels of aggression in Jobcentres, post-nuclear family management and riot-based looting.

“Well, if I really must join the scum, I might as well hit the ground running,” shrugged a typical doomed Surrey housewife, as her personal trainer showed her the correct way to hide her face under a hood.

High Life Now Ever Further Out of Reach

Research conducted by the Centre for Economics and Business Research on behalf of the National Lottery suggests that Britons now need £5.8m to retire and live the millionaire lifestyle - a dramatic increase on the £2.6m required two years ago.

The increase is blamed on rising house prices, inflation and rising consumer demands.

The CEBR report also states that a staggering £108m is now necessary to enter the super-rich category, characterised by a playboy lifestyle of yachts, multiple estates and a fleet of luxury cars.

The news has warmed the hearts of Britons struggling to make ends meet on a minimum wage of £5.52.

“This has really given me something to aim for in life,” said our office cleaner. “If I’m careful with my spending, in only 1,923 years I will be able to afford to retire in comfort on the money I save. On the other hand, in 33,000 years I could really live it up. It’s got to be worth thinking about. Then again, if I keep spending all my spare cash on Lottery tickets, surely it can’t take that long before I win a huge sum of money!”

Research conducted by our office calculator, however, showed that it would probably take almost ten times as long just to win the weekly National Lottery outright. Buoyed up by these encouraging results and a typical lack of understanding of the laws of probability, however, we decided to buy an extra ticket this week, just in case.