Wednesday, 12 October 2011

The Thoughts Of A Plastic Bag

A creature whose entire sordid career is founded on carrying an improbable set of plastic breasts and telling her PA to ring the papers every time she opens her legs today called for the immediate dismantling of the welfare state.

The intellectual powerhouse of neoliberal philosophy
“I come from a fammly wot’s had to work to earn a living innit,” the Katie Price told a hushed Oxford Union, deploying her entire vocabulary in a rhetorical tour de force. “It don't matter if you're like a single mum or you have y’know, financial stuff or woteva, I bleeve that if you rilly like want to do something and put your wotsit to it, it's freezable, but you sort uv have to be realistic, like wot my tits are. That's how I've kind uv lived my life yeah? The more peepo are like, 'You can't do that', the more I’m like, ‘Well like watch me innit y’bastuds,’ and I pay someone to do it faw me jenotameen?”

“Just when you thought it was probably beyond the bounds of possibility to loathe the Katie Price any more than you do already,” commented one stunned Oxford student who had turned up to the ‘Watch A Pleb Trying To Think’ debate, “Hey presto, she opens her cake hole and you discover that she is, in fact, the bastard love child of Norman Tebbit.”

“Thank God I have financial stuff,” he added with a sigh of relief. “Or money, as I believe it’s known to everyone but this orange plastic bint.”

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