Levitations Caused By ‘Super Moon’ Strangely Fewer Than Anticipated

Britain’s emergency services reported with relief that the number of cases of spontaneous levitation reported during last night’s ‘super moon’ event turned out to be rather lower than predicted.

“In fact, there weren’t any,” said a spokesman. “Neither did the moon’s slightly closer proximity result in enhanced strength, X-ray vision, ESP, involuntary carnivorous transformations or supermenstruation. Somehow, it seems we have all managed to come through this deeply mysterious event without supernatural enhancement.”

There's no rational explanation for this

The moon’s orbit has a slight eccentricity, which brings it 0.3% closer to our planet roughly every 20 years. People with more than a slight eccentricity cite the fact that nobody was there to see what started this prehistoric wobble as clear evidence of benevolent non-human intervention. They also state that, since the mass of the moon is nearly enough to suck the oceans of the earth into space, its abnormal nearness must therefore generate super-abilities in particularly wet specimens of the self-propelled bags of water known as the human race.

“I dropped science for pottery at the age of 14, because education is a state conspiracy to program unquestioning obedience into children,” said Starchild Moonflower, a windchime tuner from Aveton Gifford. “After entering a state of spiritual receptivity with the aid of twelve pints of spingo, my spirit guide Tigger told me that the earth mother has drawn her moon lover to her breast so her children will receive the secret wisdom of the universe, i.e. the American, French and British governments absolutely caused the Japanese earthquake with all their H-bomb tests fifty years ago, the bastards.”

Ms Moonflower also claims to have had a sublime out-of-body experience during her astral travels, having woken up outside her yurt at 4am with her pants filled with what she angrily insists is ectoplasm.