The nation’s ordeal began on Wednesday, when Moyles and his underling, Tragedy Dave, dragged several large filing cabinets full of pies into his padded studio, wedged them firmly against the heavy steel door and welded it shut.
The airwaves of Britain were then jammed on all frequencies as Moyles launched into a marathon of spectacularly ill-informed ranting about everything from the Alternative Vote System - of which he knows nothing - to the deliberations of the UN Security Council - of which he knows nothing - via a broad spectrum of current affairs, celebrity trivia and music – of which he knows nothing.
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After many tiring hours of hammering, a large enough hole had been made for little Jimmy Carr to squeeze through. However, Moyles swiftly stunned the well-spoken comic with a mighty stinking belch he had been fuelling with dozens of mince pies for such an eventuality, tied him to a chair and tortured him with a battery of monumentally banal twatticisms.
Several hours later, as the last remnants of the wall were knocked out, a massed charge led by Jeremy Paxman managed to overpower the 35-stone ignoramus and his drooling henchman in desperate hand-to-hand fighting, and the barrage of offensive inanity was finally brought to a close.
As a solemn mark of the ordeal which Britain has endured, tonight’s BBC Comic Relief event will be renamed BBC – What A Relief.
“After what it’s just been through, the nation could do with a bloody good belly-laugh,” said director general Mark Thompson. “Unfortunately, the best we could dig up is the rotting corpse of Alan Partridge, a valium addict waving a teddy bear in front of a camcorder and the worst episode of Doctor Who ever filmed.”
“I’d suggest you all sink about twelve pints before switching the telly on this evening,” he warned. “Christ knows, you’re going to need it.”