Loony Conservative Element To Smash Up Students’ Unions

Enjoy it while you can - Dr Fox's tank is already in reception

Prime minister David Cameron today announced that, in response to the attack by a radical minority of students on his party HQ in Millbank Tower yesterday, he would be sending a barmy element of his own into students’ unions.

“Regrettably, there appears to be an element within the student community which is only capable of thinking in terms of violent confrontation,” he told reporters in Korea this morning. “So perhaps they’ll gain a fuller understanding of the government’s plans for the higher education sector when Dr. Liam Fox smashes their SU bar to splinters with a pickaxe.”

Under the plans, the raving mad defence secretary will roll up outside – or possibly inside, depending on what the voices in his head are telling him - randomly-selected students’ union buildings in a Challenger tank, before jumping out with a pickaxe and proceeding to the union bar. He will commence by shattering all the optics, before moving on to wreck the pumps, tills and PA system.

“He will then proceed to demolish as much of the fittings and fixtures as he is able, brutally headbutting any exec twerps who try to remonstrate with him with his reinforced tinfoil hat,” explained Mr Cameron with a smile.

“Students must learn that violence is pointless, counter-productive and ultimately self-defeating,” he warned. “Because, at the end of the day, we’ve got the police and the army at our beck and call - neither of whom, I should point out, are exactly fond of students.”

Meanwhile, Metropolitan police commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson told the press that he had already held an internal inquiry to find out why his riot vans were mysteriously having their windscreens washed and tyre pressures meticulously checked in police station compounds by all of his riot officers on the day of the largest student protest in years.

“I have asked myself how on earth I could possibly have been so lax in my duty as to allow an entirely predictable outbreak of violence to occur,” he announced, “And the only possible conclusion I can draw is that I was hoping to engineer a massive public backlash against students, undermining the legitimacy of their protest and discrediting the validity of their grievances – which, judging from this morning’s headlines, seems to be coming along nicely. My actions were, therefore, entirely justified and there is no need for disciplinary action to be taken, except of course against all the obliging little trots we nicked, bless ‘em.”