World Saved From Disaster By New Arse Wrappers

If you think a £20 dress can make this look like Anna Friel, welcome to Asda

The most important news in the history of the world, as far as 50% of the population are concerned, broke today with the launch by Asda of a new range of tat which, they optimistically claim, takes into account women’s horrendous saggy arses.

“Despite increasingly strident threats of a joyless life of asexual celibacy from all corners of the media, the typical underclass slapper stubbornly persists in maintaining an imperfect set of buttocks,” explained a spokesman. “With that in mind we’ve designed the Wonderarse range of flimsy party-dress tat, which makes a futile tokenistic attempt to cover up the lumpy, man-frightening horror of British bumflaps. Although, to be brutally honest, most of you would need a plasterer.”

“In all likelihood, those words are probably far too long for our customer base,” he added. “So let me put it this way. Sling your wobbly arse into one of these dresses, girls, and premiership footballers – whom you fondly imagine are constantly trawling for fanny in the tawdry provincial knocking-shops where shrieking harpies like you piss it up – will fuck you bandy and get you in all the papers with loads of money and shit. Is that better?”

“Prices from £20, and sizes up to a slinky 20,” he added with a shudder. “They go to pieces after a bit of scrubbing, but then so do you.”