Torture Saved Bankers’ Lives, Grinning Chimp Tells Britain

You don't want to see what else he gets up to

The illegal use of waterboarding and other tortures on Iraqi prisoners undoubtedly saved the lives of Canary Wharf bankers who then went on to bankrupt the world, according to an chimpanzee called George who used to run the USA.

Since his replacement by a machine, George’s keepers have kept him away from the limelight in an enclosure in Texas, where he has mostly alternated his time between happily swinging in a tyre and masturbating vigorously.

However, George has also been experimentally taught to communicate, learning to smear his dung into primitive letters in return for a juicy mango, and anthropologists claim that he now has a vocabulary of almost 100 words.

“When he was President, George used to simply throw excrement at a map, go ‘eek’ and his advisors would invade that place and reward him with a banana,” said head keeper John E. Morris. “But now, for the first time, he is able to tell his amazing story in his own shitty words.”

According to George’s toilet daubs (appropriately reproduced in Rupert Murdoch’s lavatory paper, The Times) the inhumane mistreatment of Iraqi civilians by CIA torturers was entirely justified - partly because the information thus gained may have foiled a dastardly al-Qaeda plot to rid the world of London’s greediest corporate thieves, but chiefly because, as a chimp, he has no grasp of any concept beyond the immediate gratification of his own selfish desires.

“Tony give George big big banana,” daubed the shrieking chimp, in a faeces-strewn interview in today’s Times, before being taken away for eventual dissection in the United States.