Shadow Children's Secretary Michael Gove today called for the entire government to resign in shame, after the shocking publication of official figures showing that school absenteeism was at its highest in areas teeming with scumkind.
"This is entirely the fault of the Labour Party," accused Mr Gove. "Scum children have been terribly neglected by Ed Balls and his failed policies. For example, in some Northern shithole called Manchester - which I must admit I'd never heard of before - on any given day there are more teachers in its schools than there are children. Whatever must their parents think?"
Schools secretary Vernon Coaker, however, refuted the Tory interpretation of the data. He pointed out that the government had prioritised turning schools in deprived areas into frothy palaces of entertainment, rather than stuffy seats of learning.
"Any scumchild who mitches off school nowadays is really missing out on all the fun, daddio," he retorted. "We've got really wicked PCs with all the latest interactive edutainment tools, like Mr Paperclip. He's well wacky, bloods! He really creases me up with his wicked productivity tips."
Mr Gove promised that, under a Conservative Government, the children of families earning less than £50,000 a year would be rounded up in lorries and driven to a new generation of boarding schools surrounded by high walls, from which they would not be let out until they attained a sufficient degree of literacy to fill in a JSA claim form unaided.
The Nev Filter office temp who is covering the Christmas holiday break went out into the surrounding deprived area to canvas the opinions of the local scum. He is now three hours overdue, and it's coming out of his pay.
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