After years of intrusive hounding by the press, the Queen has declared war on the paparazzi in a threatening note pinned to a corgi's head and circulated to all newspaper editors by a tear-streaked freelance photographer with a Canon EF 800mm f/5.6 L IS USM wedged inside his rectum.
In the note, Her Royal Highness promises that the next long-lens photographer she catches skulking around the royal estates will be flushed out, run down and crushed under the wheels of her Range Rover.
"And you can't do me for it, neither," added Her Majesty. "I'm the bloody Queen, remember? The army, navy, marines, RAF and the police have all sworn oaths of loyalty to me. If you want to see me in the dock, you'll have to come through them first. Know what I mean?"
Gloucestershire residents say that the Princess Royal has been spotted charging around the lanes near Gatcombe Park on horseback, lopping off overhanging branches with a cavalry sabre, while Prince Charles is said to be looking for authentic medieval cannon which will harmonise with the architecture of Windsor Castle
Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports suggest that Princes William and Harry have already signed out an Apache helicopter gunship to cover the royal family's traditional Christmas visit to Sandringham, while Prince Andrew has been seen overflying Balmoral in a Huey with the Duke of Edinburgh leaning out of the passenger compartment with a Minigun.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman told reporters, "Nobody fucks with the Royal Family," before blowing them away with a grenade launcher.
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