The government today launched an exciting new mental health initiative, which aims to force people suffering from depression back to the godawful jobs that caused their depression in the first place.
"Each Jobcentre will pick a junior member of staff they don't like much, and give him or her a big, colourful badge describing them as a 'mental health co-ordinator'," said Health Secretary Andy Fuckham. "Their role will be to work with employers, at a local level, to encourage their stressed-out staff back to work by sending private detectives to spy on them and report any moments during the day when the skivers are not actively crying, banging their heads against a wall or decorating their arms with a Stanley knife."
When the depressed worker is hauled back, employers will be taught to smack them on the back of the head whenever they find them staring hopelessly into space, while their fellow employees will be encouraged to help them overcome their mental trauma by telling them to "Smile, you miserable bugger, it might never happen", 'Oh, for Christ's sake pull yourself together" and "You think you've got problems? The heel came off one of my favourite shoes yesterday, but you don't see me making a song and dance about it."
"One in six people has a mental health problem nowadays," said Mr Fuckham. "So our policy is also going to focus on prevention, by tackling the things that cause depression in the first place. In about six months, for example, we will be calling a general election. That should make a lot of people happy, at least for a while."
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