Snow Proving Terribly Inconvenient To Media Types Again

Less than a year after snowfalls brought tragic inconvenience to journalists across the trendier parts of London, the entire south east has once again been buried under a numbing blizzard of non-stories explaining at some length and in considerable detail how terrifying it can be to see one's Jimmy Choos ruined as they sink into a couple of inches of grey slush while closing the garage door.

Newsrooms across the bit of the nation which matters were soon thick with unfolding stories of individual heroism.

"Thank God for me and others like me who bravely ignored Guardian readers' complaints about our 4x4s," said Daily Politics host Andrew Neill as he strode into Television Centre this morning. "I just saved Andrew Marr from freezing to death in his wanky Peugeot convertible, the jug-eared little twerp."

The flurry of self-absorbed doomsaying is expected to continue well into the weekend, easing off gradually by Monday as journalists begin to notice that the world has not actually fallen apart after all. The rest of the week will see the nation blanketed in ill-informed fog about global warming fed by a stormy front emanating from frosty, damp Copenhagen, which has been deeply unsettling for several days now.

138 Million More Pigs Using Heathrow Every Year Won't Affect Environment, Say Climate Change Experts

Europe's prime ministers and presidents are said to be planning to surround Gordon Brown with 'wanker' hand gestures when they all get together next week for the usual media photo opportunity at the Copenhagen climate summit, on hearing that Britain would be going ahead with plans to add a third runway to Heathrow Airport just as Mr Brown was telling the rest of Europe to cut down on its carbon emissions.

The British government's Committee On Climate Change today announced that adding an extra 50% capacity to Europe's busiest airport would not harm the country's carbon targets at all. The independent committee was set up to advise the government on climate policy, and includes internationally-recognised authorities of the calibre of Lord Airbus, Mr Ryan Air and American environmental campaigner Bo E. Ing.

"The ignorant layman might think that several hundred more flights a day, each spewing out burnt hydrocarbons by the tonne, might have some detrimental effect on Britain's pollution levels," said Lord Airbus. "But it will be entirely feasible to compensate for this small increase in the nation's carbon footprint, for example by merely turning off all domestic electricity and gas supplies."

"And banning cars," he added.

"The committee recognises that the necessary adjustments might meet with resistance from some quarters," he explained, "But it's not our fault if selfish individuals want heat and light as well as citybreak weekends and two weeks in Florida. We were asked to come up with an excuse for allowing Heathrow to swallow up even more of the south east, and that's exactly what we've done."

Meanwhile, European leaders are somewhat miffed with the British PM for lecturing them on the need to cut their greenhouse emissions, whilst blithely increasing his own.

"Eet ees not unlike a man wiz diarrhoea getting on ze bus, dropping 'is trousers and pebbledashing 'is fellow passengers wiz ze terrible stinky shit, zen telling zem zey could really use a bath," said French PM Nicolas Sarkozy angrily.

German chancellor Angela Merkel agreed, promising: "Ven ze hypocritical bastard Brown stands up to spout his usual hot air, ze room vill be filled mit ze sound of all ze other delegates coughing 'Wanker!' into ze microphones."

Meanwhile, President Obama is reported to be tickled pink that, for once, the circled-finger-and-thumb of blame will not be waved at the United States. White House sources indicate that he has been busy practicing the gesture himself, with the aid of a portrait of his predecessor in the Oval office.

Survey Shows Nobody Is To Blame For Anything

Almost half of the British public believe that nothing is their fault and you can't pin it on them, according to a Sunday Telegraph poll taken on the eve of the Copenhagen conference on climate change.

While 58% said they believed climate change to be one of the most serious issues facing the world and 23% claiming it to be the most important, 48% of those surveyed said they did not believe it to be man-made. Instead they selected a range of culprits, including solar wonkiness, bovine farting competitions, lazy trees not doing their job properly and the actions of a jealous, vengeful God.

"Whatever is causing this impeding catastrophe, it certainly isn't my Merc ML550 4MATIC belching out four tonnes of carbon dioxide and nitrous oxide a year," said Telegraph reader Rob Blind. "Nor is it anything to do with the two tonnes of carbon generated by my annual holidays to Thailand and the Seychelles and quarterly citybreaks around Europe. And it definitely has no connection whatsoever to the 47 million tonnes of carbon spewed out by UK power stations so we can all keep our houses as hot as a sauna all year round."

"There's absolutely no connection to the fact that all of the luxury consumer goods I get bored with every two years are shipped halfway around the world because we don't make anything in Britain any more, either," he added. "So don't try to nail me on that, matey."

Mr Blind went on to explain that it was a bit like trying to blame his insistence on cheap, readily available food and clothing for poverty in the third world.

"Look, this coffee says 'Fairtrade' on the label," he pointed out angrily. "That means some bloody farmer in Ethiopia is probably earning more than I do. And if you can show me a decent tennis shoe made in this country, I'll buy it. As long as it's under £80 a pair, obviously. I'm not made of money."

"My conscience is clear," he added. "Or it would be, if I had one."