138 Million More Pigs Using Heathrow Every Year Won't Affect Environment, Say Climate Change Experts

Europe's prime ministers and presidents are said to be planning to surround Gordon Brown with 'wanker' hand gestures when they all get together next week for the usual media photo opportunity at the Copenhagen climate summit, on hearing that Britain would be going ahead with plans to add a third runway to Heathrow Airport just as Mr Brown was telling the rest of Europe to cut down on its carbon emissions.

The British government's Committee On Climate Change today announced that adding an extra 50% capacity to Europe's busiest airport would not harm the country's carbon targets at all. The independent committee was set up to advise the government on climate policy, and includes internationally-recognised authorities of the calibre of Lord Airbus, Mr Ryan Air and American environmental campaigner Bo E. Ing.

"The ignorant layman might think that several hundred more flights a day, each spewing out burnt hydrocarbons by the tonne, might have some detrimental effect on Britain's pollution levels," said Lord Airbus. "But it will be entirely feasible to compensate for this small increase in the nation's carbon footprint, for example by merely turning off all domestic electricity and gas supplies."

"And banning cars," he added.

"The committee recognises that the necessary adjustments might meet with resistance from some quarters," he explained, "But it's not our fault if selfish individuals want heat and light as well as citybreak weekends and two weeks in Florida. We were asked to come up with an excuse for allowing Heathrow to swallow up even more of the south east, and that's exactly what we've done."

Meanwhile, European leaders are somewhat miffed with the British PM for lecturing them on the need to cut their greenhouse emissions, whilst blithely increasing his own.

"Eet ees not unlike a man wiz diarrhoea getting on ze bus, dropping 'is trousers and pebbledashing 'is fellow passengers wiz ze terrible stinky shit, zen telling zem zey could really use a bath," said French PM Nicolas Sarkozy angrily.

German chancellor Angela Merkel agreed, promising: "Ven ze hypocritical bastard Brown stands up to spout his usual hot air, ze room vill be filled mit ze sound of all ze other delegates coughing 'Wanker!' into ze microphones."

Meanwhile, President Obama is reported to be tickled pink that, for once, the circled-finger-and-thumb of blame will not be waved at the United States. White House sources indicate that he has been busy practicing the gesture himself, with the aid of a portrait of his predecessor in the Oval office.