Obscene salaries and unjustifiable bonuses are rife in the world of print journalism, it was not revealed today by MPs, bankers, the Ministry of Defence or the BBC.
"Smug, overexposed celebrity columnists like Jeremy Clarkson and David Blunkett fill our pages, while Our Brave Boys And Girls are dying out there," said one of Rupert Murdoch's paid mouthpieces this morning. "I think our readers would very much like to know how much of the iniquitous cover fee goes straight into these fat cats' pockets. Well, tough tits. It's none of their business."
"Our Brave Boys And Girls don't get bonuses for putting their lives on the line every day in Afghanistan," screamed Richard Desmond, proprietor of the Daily Express, Big Ones and Asian Babes. "But it's better that you don't ask how much 'danger' money our reporters get for the life-threatening assignment of sitting on their well-guarded asses in Camp Bastion and sending back uncritical rewrites of the day's press releases."
Meanwhile, Alan Rusbridger, editor-in-chief of Guardian Media, mounted a robust defence of the discredited financial geniuses who wrote nothing in their columns to predict the global meltdown.
"These are the most gifted economic forecasters in Britain," he said. "If we disclosed that their huge salaries and bonuses bear no relation to their actual abilities, they might very well decide to up sticks and emigrate to the Wall Street Journal or the International Herald Tribune - and then British reporting would be in a sorry state."
"As for their expenses, journo hacks are only acting within strict guidelines," he added, "Which allow reasonable remuneration for necessary costs, such as treating a spin doctor to dinner in a rather pricey West End restaurant in return for a leak he was going to divulge anyway."
Pressure is also mounting on Rupert Murdoch's son James - chairman and chief executive of News Corporation Europe and Asia - to disclose how much is being spent on redecorating his second home, Britain, in a vulgar shade of blue to match his personal taste.
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