The public were today urged to throw every single object they own out of the nearest window before it inflicts fatal injuries on them and their loved ones.
The alarming advice came after mobile phone giant Nokia revealed that over a million chargers were likely to have a potentially lethal electrical fault, and Maclaren USA warned parents to stop using their baby buggies immediately if they wanted their children to grow up with hands.
"I've already encased my iPhone in concrete, after hearing that the battery might explode without warning," said harassed consumer Josh Geake. "I was thinking of using it as a headstone to mark the spot at the bottom of the garden where I buried my similarly explosive MacBook. Now I'm too scared to move. How many other household gadgets want me dead?"
A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium appeared on television to explain why everything you buy is shoddy. Unfortunately, however, due to ongoing problems with Freeview reception nobody could understand a single word he said.
No comments:
Post a Comment