Joblessness in Britain will soon be a thing of the past, vowed Communities Secretary John Denham, as he announced that 61 local authorities in areas of total jobdrought would share in an unemployment-busting windfall of £41.27 in loose change to be allocated from central government funds.
Various regional projects could now get the green light, including the distribution of a free stamp to as many as three lucky unemployeds, or printing off a brightly-coloured leaflet and dropping it through somebody's letterbox.
"We're determined to make some negligible, token gesture towards the cheating, lazy chancers at the bottom of the heap, because some of them might still bother to vote," smiled Mr Denham, who also generously allocated £2,500 of taxpayers' money to John Lewis in return for some nice chairs and a rug for his second home in London. "Compared to the cost to the economy in benefits and support for three million dossers - and that's just the ones we admit to - this is a drop in the ocean. But it sounds like a lot of money to some unemployed family struggling to decide whether to indulge in heating or food this week - so if we get a vote or two out of it, then clearly that's money well spent."
Meanwhile, calligraphers at the Treasury were putting the finishing touches to a pair of handsomely-decorated cheques totalling £31.3bn, destined for Lloyds TSB and Royal Bank of Scotland.
Chancellor Alistair Darling explained that the splendid cheques would help Britain's suffering bankers to gird themselves for the heartbreaking task of splitting Lloyds and RBS into smaller units of greed, only a short while after they received billions from the government to expand beyond the bounds of reason in the first place.
"We're determined to make some huge, economy-crippling gesture towards the cheating, lazy chancers at the top of the heap," smiled Mr Darling, "Because some of them might still make donations to the Labour Party."
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