Hard on the heels of news that the British now lead Europe in shoplifting, as well as financial irresponsibility, illiteracy, binge-drinking, aggressive behaviour and teenage pregnancy, comes a government announcement that the Union Flag - for many, the enduring emblem of British cultural leadership for over two centuries - is to be replaced with a design that more accurately reflects the nation as it is today.
The winning flag - unveiled by culture secretary Ben Bradshaw - comes from Burberry's top design team, and features a black and white check pattern on a fawn background, with additional red stripes.
"By George offered an interesting concept, with a brightly-coloured logo for a small American business you've never heard of on a thin cotton background; and we were also impressed by Primark's entry, which was all sequins and loose threads," said Mr Bradshaw at the unveiling ceremony. "But the Burberry entry has perfectly encapsulated the spirit of Britain in the 21st century - a once-great name, now reduced a risible travesty of its former self, which angrily flaunts its cherished delusion that it's somehow better than everybody else."
Mr Bradshaw then pulled a golden rope to run the new British standard up a flagpole, but was surprised to see nothing but a few torn threads where the flag should have been.
"Oh buggery," he sighed. "Some thieving little toerag's gone and nicked it."
A fuming Mr Bradshaw was chauffeured away at speed in an iridescent purple-green W-registered Astra 1.3 with a huge wing on the back and four cannon-sized exhaust pipes, while a colour sergeant reverently coiled up the ceremonial gold braid, popped it into an envelope and mailed it to Cash4Gold.com in the hope that it might pay off Britain's £768bn national debt.
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