The guidelines recommending how much poorly-researched horseshit the public can safely be fed every day may have been underestimated by as much as a fifth, according to red-faced health fascists.
"For the last eighteen years we have been warning you that if you eat any of this and more than a spoonful of that, you will instantly become a disgusting gutbucket who deserves to lose all their friends, be rejected by their horrified families and mocked by total strangers, only to be held up to media ridicule when the crane comes to drag your flabby corpse from the lonely flat you hid in until you topped yourself in despair," admitted a hollow-cheeked living cadaver from the Pseudoscientific Nagging Committee on Nutrition.
"Now, as a result of some actual research we accidentally funded, it turns out our po-faced propaganda was slightly wide of the mark," he explained through gritted teeth. "You may actually be able to eat a cheeseburger a day and still achieve your tragic ambition of looking like some miserable celebrity clothes-horse off the telly."
"Fortunately, the vast majority of your airhead friends will miss or forget this soon-to-be-buried news item, so you will still be lambasted and shunned if you're caught shamelessly enjoying something tasty and filling," he pointed out, with a mirthless smile. "So our holy mission of making everyone feel thoroughly guilty just for sustaining their miserable lives is still on course."
"Meanwhile, be assured that we'll be compensating for any spontaneous outbreaks of public happiness by generating lots more scary stories about Omega-3 turning your child into a crack whore, or vitamins causing fatal multiple orifice evacuations during sex," he warned, adding: "Making those up is the bit I love most about this job."
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