Pop svengali Louis Walsh has pulled out of meaningless TV charade The X Factor, following the untimely death of singing software sensation Antares Autotune on his Macbook.
"Autotune was, to a large extent, responsible for the successful sound of Boyzone," said a grief-stricken Walsh. "Not to mention Westlife, Six and all the other vacuous drips I manage. Without Autotune's inspired real-time correction of their bum notes, they all sound like a beach full of elephant-seal bulls on heat."
Autotune was discovered to be dead this morning, when Walsh fired up his Macbook. Tragically, despite searching high and low, he has so far been unable to discover the install CD and fears it may have been thrown out after being used as a rather ineffective emergency beermat.
Walsh discovered Autotune in the nineties, when he was faced with the seemingly-intractable problem of having signed a group of pretty young boys who were sadly incapable of pitching a single note. Early attempts to stand them in line, according to the ringing notes their heads emitted when struck with mallets, failed to set even the most cloth-eared audiences alight. However, on the way back from a visit to Argos to buy a Casio backing band for his protégés, Walsh's eye happened to fall on a small ad in Future Music magazine and, in a moment of inspiration, the music supremo plucked the unknown software package from obscurity to achieve worldwide popularity.
The music world at large has lined up to pay fulsome tribute to the dead program, with many checking their own computers in case its tragic demise affects them personally.
“If it wunt for bladdy Antares Autochoon like, right, I’d ‘ave a voice like a fackin’ corncrake innit,” said the legendary Troubled Singer Amy Whinehouse.
Easily-pleased fans of pretty dancers have been left wondering if the world of disposable, machine-generated shite can ever be the same without the smooth corrective tones of Autotune.
Meanwhile, the small number of people who still actually listen to music are looking forward to a new golden age of hits performed by people who can actually sing - at least, until either Antares issue a patch to fix the problem, or Walsh remembers he misfiled the install disk in the same case as the CD full of downloaded MIDI files of old-time pop classics.
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