Doddering fifties relic Andy Williams has confirmed that he will be playing the Glastonbury Festival next summer, if he lives that long.
The announcement of yet more godawful shite tottering across the Glastonbury stages comes as no surprise to music fans, who have been staying away from the muddy fields of Somerset for years now.
"I remember when Glasto was all about alternative music," said Starchild Moonflower, who has been driving her flowery, patchouli oil-fuelled VW camper van around Europe's festivals for the last seven years, funding her travels by selling recycled dreamcatchers to anyone more stoned than herself. "Now all the crappy, third-rate acts to ever disgrace a PA system get given the brown carpet treatment by the Eavis Corporation, and the middle-class fuckwits who turn up in their brand new Millets tents are too tone-deaf to give a shit. Well, they're welcome to it. I'm off to the Trans-Carpatho-Ruthene Festival to see acts which are so cutting-edge they haven't even been formed yet."
"Next year's Glastonbury Festival will be the most exciting, eclectic, boring, profitable Glastonbury Festival ever," promised a Jersey heifer, which was already preparing the site by liberally covering the fields with cowpats. "In addition to the bland, middle-of-the-road warblings of Andy Williams, fans will be easily pleased by such unforgettable acts as Dame Vera Lynn, Sailor, Kenny, Emerson Lake and Palmer (who are none the worse for not retaining any of the original members), Clive Dunn singing 'Grandad', all of Belgium's surviving Eurovision entries, Amy Winehouse's nan's next-door neighbour, the festering corpse of Rudy Vallee, and of course every pub band in the entire country."
And of course, my enormous flatulent arse will be headlining on the Acoustic Stage," added the cow proudly. "Hang on, I feel another hit coming. Stand clear."
Tickets for Glastonbury sold out the moment they went on sale last week, making the booking of anyone with any shred of talent completely redundant.
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