A significant rise in incidences of oral cancers is caused by all that lager you drink, say miserable, po-faced researchers from Cancer Research UK. The number of cases has risen by 28% in men in their forties and 24% in women since the 1990s.
"Normally, we'd blame our favourite suspect, smoking," said a hatchet-faced killjoy in a white laboratory wimple. "But that takes 30 years or more to eat away your mouth, gums, tongue, lips and teeth. So unless everyone has been smoking since they were ten, the next most likely culprit must be the booze."
Other possible carcinogens cited by the team were driving a 4x4, having a fat ass, watching Strictly Come Dancing or having the volume up a bit loud on your MP3 player.
"Didn't I just read in the paper that we receive more bequests than any other charity?" asked Cancer Research UK's health information manager, Hazel Nunn. "Bags we ring-fence a few million before the marketing consultants nab it all, and find out how many people with cancer of the ankle started smoking at ten."
Drinking a pint or two for a couple of nights a week is now thought to be the main cause of death from AIDS, autism, decapitation, dutch elm disease, ebola virus, evangelism, explosive decompression, fin rot, flatus, friendly fire, ginger hair, herpes simplex, the hippy hippy shake, mad lobster disease, MRSA, nappy rash, nitrogen narcosis, nits, nut allergies, pygmy infestation, rusting, shark attack, skateboard ingestion, snakes on a plane, tender nipple syndrome, trout pout, U2, vaginal thrush, voodoo, wanking and wasp flu.
"And if you smoke, all of them at once," warned head researcher Sister Ignatius.
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