Five per cent of Italy's population are living in absolute poverty, unable to afford even a basic basket of goods required for a minimum standard of living, according to figures published today by the country's national statistics agency.
Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy hoovering up Italy's remaining wealth to pay for a hovering palace made entirely out of diamonds, staffed by thousands of nubile teenagers with big knockers. A spokesman said that Mr Berlusconi was thinking of importing several wagonloads of the finest seashells to distribute to his poverty-stricken plebeians as currency.
However, Pope Benedict XVI did take time out from eating his sumptuous breakfast off a platter of purest Inca gold in the luxurious heart of his personal city-state to deliver a message to his faithful flock.
"There is no shame in poverty," said the 83-year-old pontiff. "Our Lord Himself went around in rags, sitting on his ass. So that's all right then."
"I don't like this old Tintoretto you've brought for me to wipe my hands on this morning," he told one of his attendant Cardinals. "Go back down to the vaults and bring me one of those paintings with tits."
"Please help yourself to my last few coins, Holy Father, so the church can do even more good works," implored a smelly southern peasant at the window, before being kicked out of St Peter's Basilica by a jackbooted Monsignor.
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